But it's the kinda thing he could have said

A friend of Pirate City reported this supposed press release:

After maintaining his silence for two days, President Obama will soon make his first public statement about the pirate attack upon an U.S.-flagged vessel off the Horn of Africa. After several inquiries and a few well-placed bribes, we have received an early transcript of the President's remarks:

Good evening. As you know, early yesterday, Somali-based pirates attacked the Maersk Alabama, a freighter carrying relief supplies to Kenya. While we do not yet know all the details, the Alabama's crew re-took control of the vessel and forced the pirates off the ship.
Since the pirates are still holding the captain, I have sent FBI negotiators to facilitate his safe and speedy release. I assure his friends and family that I will not stop until this man-made disaster is resolved in a peaceful, tolerant and ecologically-sound manner.
Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.
For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds, or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to pirates.
The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.
Some of us wonder if our current overseas contingency operation would even be needed had the last administration not been so quick to label pirates as thieves, terrorists, and worse. Such swashbucklaphobia can lead to tragic results, as we have seen this week.
To address this issue, I have instructed Vice President Joe Biden to create a cabinet-level Czar of Pirate Outreach and Buccaneer Interrelation. In addition, June 1st through 7th has been designated as Pirate Awareness Week, during which all federal buildings will fly the Jolly Roger and sponsor sensitivity training. Thankfully, my American Recovery and Reinvestment Act will fund free grog and hardtack for all attendees.
Finally, to all pirates listening to international broadcasts, shortwave services, and ship-to-shore radio, let me say this:
Ahoy, me regret arr relationship has set sail in a scurvy manner. Arr people share many mutual 'alues and concerns on t' raging main. Perchance, could ye handsomely release the cap'n o' the ship, and I assure that no harm will come t' ye or ye hearties. Let us smite t' reset button and launch our seabond on a new pegleg. Savvy? Godspeed t' ye and t' ye beauties. Aye, me parrot concurs.

Captain Hornigold says the scary part is how much it sounds like something the President would say...

Somebody's doing it

Somali pirates seized a Danish-owned, U.S.-operated container ship on Wednesday with twenty-one American crew on board in the latest of a sharp rise in attacks off the Horn of Africa nation. Andrew Mwangura of the Kenya-based East African Seafarers' Assistance Programme said the 17,000 tonne vessel was hijacked in the Indian Ocean, four hundred miles off the Somali capital of Mogadishu. He said all the crew were believed to be safe, and that the vessel had been tentatively identified as the Maersk Alabama.
Gunmen from Somalia seized a British-owned ship on Monday after hijacking another three vessels over the weekend. In the first three months of 2009, only eight ships had been hijacked in the busy Gulf of Aden, which links Europe to Asia and the eastern Indian Ocean through the Suez Canal. Last year, heavily armed Somali pirates hijacked dozens of vessels, took hundreds of sailors hostage, often for weeks, and extracted millions of dollars in ransoms. Foreign navies rushed warships to the area in response and have reduced the number of successful attacks in recent months. But there are still near-daily attempts and the pirates have started hunting further afield, near the Seychelles.
On Monday, they hijacked a British-owned, Italian-operated ship with sixteen Bulgarian crew members on board. Over the weekend they also seized a French yacht, a Yemeni tug, and a 20,000-tonne German container vessel. Interfax news agancy said the Hansa Stavanger had a German captain, three Russians, two Ukrainians, and fourteen Filipinos on board.
The pirates typically use speed boats launched from "mother ships", which means they can sometimes evade foreign navies patrolling the busy shipping lanes and strike far out to sea. They take captured vessels to remote coastal village bases in Somalia, where they have usually treated their hostages well in anticipation of a sizeable ransom payment.
Pirates stunned the shipping industry last year when they seized a Saudi supertanker loaded with $100 million worth of crude oil. The Sirius Star and its 25 crew were freed in January after $3 million was parachuted onto its deck. Last September, they also grabbed world headlines by seizing a Ukrainian cargo ship carrying 33 Soviet-era T-72 tanks. It was released in February, reportedly for a $3.2 million ransom.